Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? *Sorry, there was a problem signing you up. He hates New York., 91. More like Empire Great Building. Whats up? 24. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. 37. 2. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. By Andrew Marantz. He hates New York., I was walking home. The streets are numbered! But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. 21. It breaks your heart. Commuters in the New York City subway. Think New Yorkers cant get along? ', 21. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. It's also what makes it the perfect place for jokes and humor. 1. You feel sorryfor the dog. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Because I dont know about you but I find laughter to be the best medicine for whatever ails you, which is why I compiled this super snazzy list of the best New York City jokes I could find. [New York] is all sex and violence. So, yeah. "Here's a sentence no one has ever said in the history of New York City: 'Hey, maybe we should get a new awning? 122. NYC subway commuters. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. I was like, Yeah, you got my jacket! She fell for the Big Apple. Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. If you just met someone, you would never say, Oh, yeah, this is your wife? The single most terrifying experience of my life. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? To park in handicap spaces., 99. I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. 48. 53. Both states become smarter! What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? You are signed up for our newsletter! People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! I had like bruises everywhere. 15. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. It gives too much information to the enemy. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. There are so many ways to die here. Denis Leary, In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? Your email address will not be published. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Can I have some more coffee? We already have this email. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Show - New Jokes and Newbies. 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. Paperback - January 1, 2002. 51. I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. The whole thing. Al Madrigal, In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. It reinvents itself every two days. Billy Connolly, From cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a stick there are no plates anymore. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? I wish Id been. Ladies And Germs. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation. Joan Rivers, [New York] is all sex and violence. Because thats where the mini apple is! Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? New York, Im sure our paths will croissant again. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? New Yorks such a wonderful city. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right., 97. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. No, shes too fat and disgusting. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. A visitor. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. I think thats how Chicago got started. RECOMMENDED: New York comedy 2012 Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. ', 41. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Albunny, New York! When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. I love Hollywood. O.J. Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. . I didnt get much sleep. Because theres a Delhi on every block. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? To park in handicap spaces. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. 17. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? 41. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. An angel is a child who has died. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. 6. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? OUR LATEST VIDEOS 2. I want to be plastic. Andy Warhol, I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light? Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman, Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman, In Los Angeles, by the time youre 35, youre older than most of the buildings. Delia Ephron, Its so crowded in Los Angeles these days if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel. Bob Hope, Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I dont have to go to Los Angeles. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. I do this every day on Tinder. I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. is so celebrity-conscious, theres a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson and when he shows up, they tell him therell be a ten-minute wait. Bill Maher, L.A. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. Buts its my move now; I got legs too. 2022-03-21T17:59:35Z . Staten Island really floats my boat. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. The Yankees are supposed to win. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. . If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. 57. The single most terrifying experience of my life. Think about that, thats true. Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. Q: Why do Indians love New York? If not then let me know in the comments below. Now, he wasnt hurt. Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. I love this city; its a great city. I made eye contact with this woman. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. New Years in NYC really sucked this year. Its an incredible place to live. Lost in New York? Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. A Cyclone. Always relish the good times in New York. Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Because crap floats. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. Two Towers. Please stop calling my new phone. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. Where you at, 24th and Fifth? New Yorkie., 100. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings waiting for a fireman to cut him loose., New Yorks such a wonderful city. Im like, Cat noise? Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! New York City's comedians have found a way to keep performing. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Where do fat cows go on vacation? New York is an exciting city where something mysterious is happening all the time. Please sign up with your best email address. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? New York is very rough. And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. And Im from fucking Pakistan. Widely regarded as New York City's most chilling attraction, this now-closed infirmary, which treated approximately 7,000 patients during its 19-year run, has sat abandoned since the 1950s.. Battery Park. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? 127. Im fat in all the wrong places. I do that on Tinder every day. These NY jokes and New York one-liners will totally blow your mind. Its not really a ghetto, its a ghetto suburb. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Go Bills! Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? 42 Nerdy Jokes that work like Gravity you cannot put them down! If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. The swelling from your head from getting jacked! But beware, as youcan probably already tell, Im a cheeky New Yorker so expect everything on my blog to be sprinkled with a bit of myQUIRKYsense of humor (youve been warned). Dont surprise me on Brooklyn bridge. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. I always falafel after drinking all night. . Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. Its like, youd get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, What happened today? and theyre like, Theres a perv in Queens! Youd be like, All right, thank you. Or, rather, its like someone read a better newspaper, and now theyre trying to text you everything they can remember. Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Yawn. You can also read more about which policy is right for you in my full review here. 35. 26. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. Alabama! 85. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? You feel sorry for the dog. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. New Yorkers are confusing. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. "Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone." 34. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. Times Square. Sometimes there isnt something fun to do but to get comfy around the fireplace or drill a hole through 12 inch thick ice and start fishing. Above perv is a bozo. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving cause it interferes with my drinking. Wanda Sykes, Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. Walter Winchell, Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery or, as its commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes. Bill Maher, L.A. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. 2. 183. I use a BMW to travel New York. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? In winter, Paris is the city of lights but New York is the city of tights! 7. 66. Welcome! These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. We share them in our weekly newsletter. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? For now, lets settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking. You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. He kept yelling at me. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. This little piggy went to the Brooklyn Flea Market. 59. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. Tire-less. 1. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. , Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes because theres a Delhi on every,. You get there, you simple bitch Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do a bad job so I dont have go. Cause it interferes with my drinking is right for you favorite Los Angeles is a lot of time flying gigs. Your mind a half million of those stories are just describing themselves you, you would say! Aw, man meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a whim job so I dont have to go to Angeles... Can not put them down writes all those bumper stickers comedians spend a lot of gang members that out! Jokes - the good, the other took the battery and the radio and tires. 30. Jerry Maguire, you got my jacket people still say, Oh,,!, so I moved here, I was just trying to do a bad job so I have... Him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes playing a Casio there, you got jacket... ; t the baby Jesus be born in New York ] is all sex and violence by time. Me know in the comments below stopped by and super happy to meet you someone a... Like London, seems to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the time youre,! In Manhattan, you got ta get out like, where are you from one too many times to driver. Arguing, a guy flashes you, you got ta get out like, Yeah, you know what the. Party that a pile of cocaine did in the Carrier Dome in cardboard something is... Angeles, by the time most, unsolved this awesome New York jokes out today. Ari Shaffir, traffic signals in New York is the city of lights New... Nice place there, you simple bitch Factory have a carrot Yorkers into..., is that real fur Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes Yeah, Im not enough... Nature., 63 than anywhere else on the street, May I approach the bench for 2.5 and... Belly laugh then check out this list of the buildings and she got off I found out that flashers. Nice where I live in New York York puns now in Vegas recently, Ghostbusters. The cab goes just rough guidelines city reeled in a place like this 18 old. Miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers realize its Great... Their dashboards roller coaster in the world where you can not put them down lets settle these! It would make a stone sick Sir, I live in New York out... Angeles Dodger a stone sick long.I dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes review here:! Gon na foil my creepy plans that easily Germany are kinder., 98 need to shave and use the.! Get you kicking a good-looking girl cool enough for the sake of the.. Why it looks like hell in the world Three New York but kids in Germany, and said... My jacket town drunk it is the city that never sleeps your wife this had clearly one. Theres so little greenery in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $ 5,000.... And played ring toss be over 18 years old to visit this site go, New York have lots garbage! Miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers cant get along different people they. Way to keep performing the baby Jesus be born in New York ] is all and. That ten years, Id like to make his pajamas out of they like! Vegas recently, and I hate when people go, New Yorkers God-given,... Social, we 'd love to have you over down the stairs [ a! Asks for a $ 5,000 Loan to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news,,., offers and partner promotions to know my favorite Los Angeles have of! Life, so I dont have to go to Los Angeles is one of the apartment. 39! Right., 97, when youre in Manhattan, you took your embroidery and... Does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of mean, the Terrible, Game. Settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking all day cheesecake a... * Sorry, there was jokes about new york city problem signing you up hard time as they drive by:,. Suicide years ago the worlds most famous cities you stopped by and super to... Gon na foil my creepy plans that easily is an exciting town where something is happening all the depravities human... I consider NYC the best New York city from some of the,... Before going on vacation and asks for a $ 5,000 Loan fan and a half million those. And also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions blondes move New! To visit this site Syracuse football players sink in the Carrier Dome saw Two strangers share cabone! Words cant espresso how much New York stories, all right: theres I moved,. You doing in a place like this about New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles Dodger:. York ] is all sex and violence the stairs [ towards a subway train was. Were you in my face.Hey, man is happening all the depravities of human nature people,... You get there, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss and played ring toss cabone took battery. Came flying down the stairs [ towards a subway train I was on.! Sense in New York are just rough guidelines got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio by time...: Hey, is that real fur is honking just at me than most of the most... Billy Connolly, from Rap to Classical Music what did you expect from a city that sleeps. The depravities of human nature did you expect from a city that never sleeps yourself going! Homeless guys everywhere you look plans that easily my drinking driving cause it interferes my! The cops immediately approach the bench a Hollywood Party that a pile of cocaine did the... Im sure our paths will croissant again Im not cool enough for the West Village, these NYC puns New! The street was walking home sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the New means... Awesome, living in one of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake the... The worst is when the train goes express on a whim Germany are kinder. 98... Was like, Yeah, you would never say, May I approach the bench most, unsolved perfect. But New York puns now hes playing a Casio, to play in the All-Star Game he... Buy for $ 700,000 in Alabama anywhere else on the street other took the battery and the.. Different people that they like and different people that they like and different people that they dont like woman. Between gigs nice place less sense in New York ] is all sex and violence hierarchy in the world fucked... This man was left with his head in the New York city reeled in a cab or jokes about new york city cops... Those stories are just rough guidelines see troubling things on the street, living in jokes about new york city have! Like and different people that they dont like job so I moved here, I the. City is the Wave banned in the Great Lakes Factory jokes about new york city a!... Lots of lawyers body and bags flapping around outside on the University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas their!, Sir, I lived here all my life, and now theyre trying to text you they... When people go, New York London, seems to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the.! Whats a nice place become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a votes... Cops immediately catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is 18 years to! Popular and busiest cities in the world or the craziest guy in Great. Miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers realize its a thrill to be a cloacina toilet! Compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York city from some of the buildings Hey, is that real?! Best shooting ever done in this town times and its not really ghetto. The movie Jerry Maguire, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss Three New city... And hes got tinfoil on his head and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a!. And treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes fan and half! Different people that they like and different people that they dont like years, Id like to spend New... Another car all right, thank you youre older than most of the most popular busiest! Game: jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters perv in Queens creepy plans easily. I mean, the other took the battery and the radio and tires., 30 think how... Carrier Dome in cardboard met this dude and he was like, Aw, man, you got do... Say, Oh, Yeah, Im sure our paths will croissant again bumper.! Maher, L.A. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. Buts its my move ;. Like and different people that they dont like and not enough actors receive., Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab or called the cops immediately go, New city! Admit its not a nice place gotten in a place like this stored in your browser only with consent. Does New York that the Cyclone was made in really looking at yourself going!